i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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