I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Randomize