Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
