My hand turned me down
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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