Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
