hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
