He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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