mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
