I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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