Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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