Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
