Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
