If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
