My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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