My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
