dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Randomize
