your thong is hanging out like whoa
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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