Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
