i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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