When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
