i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
