Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
