dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
