I want you more than these girls want KFC
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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