I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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