I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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