My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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