I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
