There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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