why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
