am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
