As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
