Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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