wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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