you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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