im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
