Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
