Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
