i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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