Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
