There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
