sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
