What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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