your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
