i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
