I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
