Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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