roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
