Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
