i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Michael Bay diarrhea
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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