I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
