shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
