I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
