Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
