I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize