ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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