In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
